Skip to content

Me = Calendar Girl!

June 3, 2010

So back in February a call went out for the new Sex Bloggers Calendar. They opened it up to National instead of just having the bloggers be from NYC. The only request was that the picture embodied what we viewed our sexual freedom as. Around the time of the call out was when I was deciding on running for IMsBB and without hesitation I knew what the picture I wanted to do was.  I’m really proud of it as it is a nod not just to being me but as being a femme, a bootblack and my Sir’s Girl. It’s all there and I love it.  I was blown away when I found out I made the cut and was going to be in the calendar.

ME!

I mean look at this list of people!

Bad Bad Girl

Brandon B

Coy Pink

Dangerous Lilly

Essin’ Em

Gloria Brame

Jiz Lee

Lillith Grey

Luna

Matthew Lawrence

Max Lagos

Mollena Williams

Nina Hartley (Shut up! Yes, you heard it right, Nina Hartley)

Radical Vixen

Sexy Sadie

Sovereign Syre (scroll down to her Back in Black video, you will not be disappointed)

To be in with these people is a huge honor and I can’t wait to see the finished product and be at the release party!  This is a so exciting!

(link)

Advertisements

Evolution not Revolution

May 23, 2010

Over the last 10 years there has been an evolution of self for me. Not just in the leather scene but also in my dance. I think what has been interesting is what has stayed the same and what has changed for me over the years.  What is happening right now for me is I am tired. Tired of being told what is the right way. The one true way. I feel like I have been fighting a sort of Creationism vs Evolution in alot of different areas of my life.

When I started taking dance back in 05 the only classes I could find was at a bellydance school that taught Cabaret style. Not something I was really interested in and the only Tribal was American Tribal Style and that didn’t really work for me. I learned alot in my classes in Cabaret style but when I was asked if I wanted to do a solo I said yes but I wanted to do a tribal fusion piece 3 of the 4 teachers fought me on it. My music had to be approved, my costume had to be approved. My dance had to be seen and approved twice. The other dancers didn’t have to jump thru as many hoops as I did and it angered me. I was still a dancer. I was still taking what they taught me and was just utilizing it differently. Even when I was given the chance to dance American Tribal Style I was not happy with the mold they wanted me to be in. The troupe wanting to embrace their size and was upset that I was working so hard to lose weight when they wanted to do “Pro Fat” events. I couldn’t do it. I found other dancers that accepted me and welcomed me in and I have never forgotten that.  Since that time I now take lessons from a teacher who wants me to express my creativity and sees me as an artist first.  Even in my own dance community I tend to push the envelope and I am very proud of that.

As a bootblack I came across the same thing. If you read my “Finding my Femme Bootblack Side” post you know how I got to where I am today. I was originally terrified of taking the step toward being a femme bootblack. I always thought I had to be butch or identify as boi in order to do it because that was the image that was presented. I remember hesitantly asking people if it would be okay to do it dressed like a girl because frankly….I couldn’t see myself doing it any other way.  Sure I tried doing the dress like a boy thing but even with my hips and chest it doesn’t fly. I am a girl and trying to hide that fact is practically impossible.  I have finally come to love my body and the curves that it has. I don’t want to hide that with baggy jeans and shirt.  I have held onto my identity and I never thought twice about it until recently. Having negative comments from another bootblack on how  I really didn’t know how to bootblack and that people in my chair just stared at my chest and ignored what I was doing to their boots and to have a bootblack tell me the morning after coming to terms of not winning IMsBB that I should consider stop calling myself a “femme” bootblack and just call myself a bootblack so I stop alienating myself from my community all hurt more than any leather bar telling me they didn’t want me to black because these people are supposed to be my peers and my kin. I have decided I’m not going to apologize for who I am. I’m proud of the path I have been walking. It has not been easy and sometimes I feel like just throwing my kit away and saying to hell with it all, but then I get a thank you, start someone on the path, and just feel the glow and excitement I get when I do a kick ass job on a pair of boots.  I never thought I would see myself as someone pushing the definition of bootblack but here we are.

When Pony won International Ms. Bootblack in 2009 and that 3 femme bootblacks total ran for the title that year I found hope. Funny that such an act would create such an emotion but it did. I had hope for my community. That maybe just maybe we had evolved as a community and that Femme Bootblacks were becoming more of a force. When Pony started the Femme Bootblacking list on FetLife and asked me to co-facilitate it I was honored and proud to see how many are in our ranks.  The evolution that started with Michael Ann in 2000 is becoming something larger.  What was sad was when it was my turn to run for IMsBB the number of femmes not just femme bootblacks who came to me excited about me running because then maybe the discrimination against leather femmes would start to decrease.  Leaving California my brain was swimming.  What to do? How to handle it all? Could I just turn away and ignore? When some of the strongest and fiercest women I know were telling me their stories I realized I couldn’t do that. I had to stand proud of who I am.   I’ve been afraid for far too long of making someone upset over what I want to create and share within my communities. Sure I have been getting some negative statements recently but they seem to be one voice in a sea of support. I am very thankful for that.

I see the next year full of excitement and possibilities with some amazing people being a part of it.  To be honest? For the first time I think I have finally come to realize who I am and what I am capable of. I finally realized that I have wings and I really am ready to fly.

Going Round and Round…..

May 4, 2010

It’s the time of year. It happens as soon as May hits. The Summer months are laid in front of me and I start spinning trying to figure out what I am going to do.  Everybody is doing something this time of year. As if the desire to play, learn and create only happens between Memorial Day and Labor Day.

So then the question becomes where do I focus? Which do I want to become important for me?  While reorganizing my dance studio space in my house I looked at the piles I had in it. A pile of dance costume pieces, a pile that had my corset and fishnets and such, and a pile with some bootblacking stuff mixed in with boots. I looked at it and sighed because this really just symbolized my life. Dance, Bootblacking, Kink, all in one space. Just like my head. Some days I feel like I have too many “hobbies” in my life, but then I realize that all of them make my life richer and fuller.  The problem is that my brain keeps going like a manic hamster on crack with ideas of what I can do in all those areas.

I have 2 dance events I want to do.

I have 4 Kink events I want to attend.

2 new classes to develop and teach for kink community.

A dance piece to perfect and a new one I want to get out there.

Develop a monthly tribal dance show in Charlottesville

Develop my Bootblacking Project/Organization

Work on Artist Way

And of course my brain wants me to do all of this NOW. Just like everyone else the need to create, learn and play hits me. So the question becomes where to focus. Where to prioritize. Do I make the list and just cross things out as I go?  Can I stick to a summer list? Can I afford the stuff on my summer list?  Can I remember to do things for me and not just out of guilt, being someones pawn or peer pressure? Can I learn to not get upset if lack of finances stop me from doing something?

Growth is a coming.  I just need to not be so afraid of it all.

Aftercare….it’s not just for scenes.

April 27, 2010

So the last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. With IMsL done I had a week to polish and perform my dance piece. My dance mentor and friend Asharah was coming to Charlottesville to teach 6 hours of workshops and perform. To be on the same bill as her was nerve-wracking as it was but to also take two classes with her before hand meant a long day. Especially since I hadn’t been in a dance class in almost a month and a half.

I was pleased with how well I did in the first class on Turkish Tribal Fusion.  9/8 rhythms with zils and I kept up rather well. I sweated more than I have in a long time and it felt good to push my body a little further than I have in a long time.  As much as I enjoyed the first class it was really the second class that I was looking forward to.  Asharah’s “Dancing your Demons: Dramatic Dance through Emotional Expression” class is something I have been wanting to take since she created the class. As someone who feels that art needs to have an emotion behind it or else it means nothing I was excited and nervous with what this class would do for me.   In the end I was wiped out and emotionally exhausted. I cried more than once and went down into parts of myself that I normally only do when i am doing some kind of SM play. I was even able to draw parallels to the experiences and emotions I was having in the class and what I experience in an emotionally cathartic scene. The only real difference is that there is still some fear in delving deep in my dance as I am bearing my soul to an audience as opposed to bearing it to the person I am submitting to.  I had changed the piece I was going to perform to about 3 weeks before performance. I scrapped a month of work to pick something that I thought would hold less emotion for me.  The piece reminded me too much about my former girl and some of the decisions I had made to work on my emotional self.  It was too raw so I dropped it for now and of course with the class under my belt I wonder if that was the right decision.  It’s left me wondering why I am so afraid to let it all show to an audience but put me in a dungeon with my Sir or a play partner and I will let myself drop deep to the point of sobbing tears.

Is it because I know the dungeon will not judge?

So a new angle of looking at my dance and myself is showing. Why am I afraid to show my true self to everyone? Fear of rejection? misunderstanding? Stuff to really look into and see where it leads.

What was also interesting is that the song and dance I made which was supposed to have no emotion behind it ended up having more emotion than I expected. The piece was originally going to simply be a steampunky piston and gears piece but instead it became about the expectation to be like everyone else. Dance like everyone, be like everyone. It found emotion to pull from with my IMsL experience. I actually lost control of the dance. The emotion became so much that I felt lost on the dance floor at one point. I found it again but it was a weird experience. When I was done I felt as drained as doing a scene. Almost cathartic but without the crying. I couldn’t allow myself to go that far because frankly I didn’t think my dancing sisters would completely understand. Also I didn’t want to go down that far without knowing I had someone who could really pull me out of it.

The last couple of weeks has been physically and emotionally draining and recovering from it all has taken more work that I expected. It’s left me a little more fragile than usual and hesitant to jump back into things even though it would be the best thing for me.

I think what I am lacking right now is a sense of aftercare. A sense of pulling myself out of what I have been through. A sense of moving forward.  I need a reset. I need certain people in my life to say ‘it’s all good’. I need a new assignment. I need to find the path again as I feel like I have wandered off of it.

Turning the Page: IMsL Reflections

April 23, 2010

Here it is a week since IMsL and I am still trying to find the words to express what this event did for me. I always knew it was going to be life altering but, I had no idea it would be this significant on the inside.

This was my first IMsL, my first trip to San Francisco, my first “woman event” and of course being a true masochist I had to run for a title. To be honest I couldn’t think of a better thing to do. As someone pointed out to me I always did tend to jump into the deep end.

I learned alot about myself. That when I submerge myself I do truly feel like I am at my best. I only hit a wall once and that was on Friday night. So much to do and still so much more to do. When I was working on bootblacking I was in my zone. I was proud of every job I did.  I’m not ashamed to say I felt I kicked ass. I think we both felt that we were giving 120% all weekend and to have it be such a close contest says alot about the both of us.

I usually find it very difficult to bond with women. My past experiences with them make it hard sometimes but at this event, these people, staff, den family, attendees, fellow classmates I felt an instant camaraderie. Instant family and tribe which is rare for me. Everybody I came into contact with be it through the contest or people who sat in my chair I felt a deep connection. Everything had meaning.

Even though I didn’t win I felt a strong sense of pride for what we did. I have come away from this title run with a strong sense of self. That the next 12 months will be focusing on a simple yet difficult concept for so many of us; Not accepting who we are but embracing it. I decided 6 years ago to identify as a femme who bootblacked.  To be girl about it. To be true to myself. This was something that I wanted to do from day one of deciding to run for IMsBB. I’ve never wavered from that. I know alot people have tried to tell me to play the game but I feel that would be a discredit not just to myself but those that came before.  Last year 3 femmes ran for IMsBB. It was that action that gave me the courage to run this year. The fact that I had history of bootblacks such as Michael Ann and Elegant and Pony to pull strength from.  Their strength in this community as well as my other sisters in the bootblack community have shown me and all of us that we are not a fluke. We are not a fad. We are a part of the evolution of this community and I am proud to be a part of it.

IMsL has given me a new-found strength. A fire within that has been dormant for a couple of years now.  I am grateful for that and excited where it might take me. I already have great things to work on. Excited. I said it alot during IMsL and I think it will be my mantra for the rest of the year…..

BRING IT!

Thank you everyone. This has been amazing…..and we have only just begun. 🙂

300….This…Is….IMsL!

April 7, 2010

THIS.....IS......IMsL!!!!

Yes I’m a geek….. Sue me, but whenever I see the number 300 I think of the movie. This situation is no different.

I have $300.00 more to raise before IMsL. We’ve raised a good chunk so far and I am amazed and honored at who has come out of my collective past woodwork to help in the cause. People who have been “family” for almost a decade, people who I haven’t seen in years, people who I have been doing their boots since I started, people who have become my new crew, family and Tribe. I even had a girl come up to me at Winter Fire who said she had seen me on Twitter and wanted to help and handed me a donation. It’s been an amazing outpouring of support from across the country. I really am blessed.

The last two and a half months have been a blur of work.  A week from now I will be in San Fransisco getting ready for my first International Ms. Leather event and competing for International Ms. Bootblack. It almost feels unreal.  The final list of preparations has been made and most of it is packing and shipping thank goodness! The last-minute organizing is always the most frantic but as each item gets scratched off the list the less weight I feel on my chest. Sleep has been hell but not much I can do about that til everything is basically done.

I’m getting really excited about it all. The travel, the event, seeing everybody, and the contest all coming together, the long days of bootblacking and nights of parties I need to attend, the lack of sleep…..ahhh yes….weekend events.  Some people I haven’t seen in a long time are going to be there cheering me on and some who are simply Tribe and West Coast who support their own and my Sir will be with me every step of the weekend and knowing that makes me feel stronger and more confident. It makes all the difference in the world. The hardest part about this contest has been the fact that it is on the West Coast. Alot of my friends and crew is East Coast or Mid Atlantic.  I think that’s why the outreach of support I have received so far from people via emails, comments and donations have been so amazing to me. Thank you everyone. Even the smallest “good luck” has meant the world to me.

So now on the last leg of the prep I ask for that one final push.

$300.00 is all that is needed and I think it is obtainable. Help make it happen.

Make the Journey Possible!

Choose Your Amount

I can almost count the days on my little hands!

April 2, 2010

We are down to the wire and all the amazing stuff is just piling up!

In just 12 days I am San Francisco bound and the closer it gets the more excited I get and the more my tummy does flip-flops!  Donations for the basket are coming in and this week has Maui Kink and Twisted Monk’s donations show up at my doorstep!

From Maui Kink: It’s black and purple (2 of my FAVORITE colors) and is also one of my favorite kind of toy! Handmade by their whipmaker Axel I have a mini Tomcat Whip! Thank you Maui Kink for having this especially made for me! It’s absolutely beautiful and I know there will be alot of ooohs and ahhhs when people see it!

From Twisted Monk: Monk sent me something I find pretty cool. 1st run pink rope from his own rope kit. Pink is no longer available peeps and this one is not even possible anymore. Also it has the history of what he has done with it and as we know with Monk it’s alot! Also and added bonus of a “Rope Slut” T-shirt for the basket as well. Monk you rock and thank you so much for adding something special to this collection.

I’ve been honored to be asked to help in an IMsL contestant’s basket donation and have been busy working on it and making it as perfect as possible.  I’m really excited about what she is doing with this and I think it will say alot about us not just as a leather community but as a women’s leather community.  I’m very proud to be taking part in it.

I’ve been working out like crazy the last couple of weeks and it is definitely paying off. Thursday was a 5 mile trail walk with some running thrown in for good measure. I’ve also been kicking in the Pilates. Having some of my outfits show off the belly really makes you want to work out. I’m a belly dancer though. I’m proud of my belly already. Now it just will look a little tighter…..hopefully. 😉

One of the cool exciting aspects of my trip to IMsL is that my Sir is coming with me! Thanks to him surprising me at my fundraiser in NYC with the news, his travel and weekend package is now booked! This is awesome news as I now will have someone keeping my head from spinning clean off over the weekend.  It’s also going to be really cool sharing this event with him. I’m very grateful that he is coming on the journey with me.

Also working on getting the last bit of Travel Fund raised. It’s a number that is more that reachable especially if you help.  Some of you have really gone the extra mile in this and some of you have donated only what you could and you all mean the world to me.  If you have been holding off til the end then hold off no more because the end is here and now. Donate now and make this trip that much more possible.

Choose Your Amount

On top of all of this I am making lists for packing, shipping, organizing, prepping for events for the spring into summer, working on my dance piece for after IMsL and basically trying to stay as sane as possible waiting for the day I leave. To those of you who have been at my side through all of this thank you so much. I really don’t know what I would do without you all.