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The Morphing Dance

March 29, 2010

I’ve been working on choreography for my performance in April and I’m running into creative walls.  I have found when it comes to my dance is that I tend to pick pieces that trigger an emotional response.  The problem is that lately things have been emotionally difficult. The two song in my repertoire that I have been working on hold alot of emotion for me. One of passion and love, the other of anger and frustration. Dance is an expression of my inner feelings. It’s how I work out aggression, how I express love, hate and desire. Right now those emotions are just so raw I find that every step I make with those pieces I falter. Like it’s not enough, like the steps are not deep enough.  Like I’m pushing against a bubble and not getting out.  As if they are not coming from my heart…a forced emotion.

Art for me is an expression of my soul which I think it is for most artists no matter what their genre. I think what is making this dance so difficult is that I am feeling very guarded right now and expressing any sort of deep emotion is something I am finding very hard to do. As if the view is too deep for public consumption. Peeling away too many layers.  I feel like I have been giving alot of myself lately and not keeping much for myself. I’m hoping that this time where I am not encumbered with a 9-5 job allows me the opportunity to work on some of the inward aspects of myself and my expressions.

Not only is my dance changing but my life is. Everything is morphing day-to-day. Not in a bad way just becoming more simpler.  Learning the hard lesson that the only thing I can control is myself.  So I am working to do just that.  Setting a schedule that has me working out, working on dance, prepping for contest and setting aside time to work on the computer for working on finding  jobs and such and work on house stuff as well. It makes my life my 8 hour work day.  Taking care of me is something I rarely know how to do. I will bend over backwards for others and those I love but will cut corners and skip myself when given the option.  Putting myself first is a lesson that Sir has been pushing with me since the beginning and I know he is not the first. It’s almost as if a part of me is afraid of what I will become if I really do push forward. If I really do allow myself to morph.

This year has been so full of change already that the prospect of something even more life changing is kind of overwhelming but yet here I am. Pushing my boundaries like I have been doing all year.  Taking a path that is not completely known to me and trusting that it will not lead me off a cliff.

In writing all this I have finally settled on a song for my dance. Something that is mine. Not attached to any particular person or emotion but mine.  I think this will hit me deeper. I know I am feeling it deeper in me and maybe this is a step in a direction to making my dance more about me than about others.  Maybe change IS a good thing.

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