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A New Journey…..

October 1, 2009

So when I’m not looking new journeys present themselves.  Whenever I say I’m done with something or I’m not going to seek out something it just sort of materializes. Sort of life’s weird way of saying, “No, we’re not done with you yet.”

The road of alternative relationships and I have had a rough time. People are usually speeding on it, or I’m speeding and lose the person with me. Sometimes I can’t keep up and trip and fall, sometimes I find the ride too scary. So I have stayed on the side of the road and just watched everyone else travel. Everyone moving forward but me.  I had just figured that my life was just too complicated and I was unwilling to alter things to bend for someone.

So one day I put out a hand along this road and surprisingly someone took it. It was subtle. It wasn’t a yank or a pull. Just took my hand and we started walking. It’s not a fast pace, more of a casual walk, a saunter. The kind you do after a large meal or when you are out having a smoke or a cigar. No rushing, no real destination with conversation to pass the time. It was so subtle that I didn’t even realize that we had walked a little ways.  I looked behind me and noticed that where I had been standing was further away than I remembered.  The place where I stood for what felt like a long time.

Nothing is pushed. Nothing is forced. Everything is for “my consideration” and frankly I am having a harder and harder time saying no because of it.  My reaction to things is a little different. I’m not saying my gremlins are gone. Hells no one is THAT good, but I am finding myself being more centered and working towards finding focus again. Fears from the past are disappearing. Hard limits that have been set in stone for over a decade have been broken.  Rules are given one at a time and those are simply there to help me with the journey of my weight loss and self betterment. Rules to give me a safe haven to help me work on what I want to work on as far as my body. These are rules for me. Not because they want me fixed but because I want to fix me and they want to help.  Other than that there are no rules. There is no need right now. Just relax and see where it goes.

This isn’t anything set in stone right now. To be honest I don’t know what it will become. Right now….we’re just walking. Getting to know each other. Enjoying the walk and conversation. I know the boy is supportive of all of this which is a wonderful thing. I never would have really kept walking if it wasn’t for him. I need that rock in my life to make the rest of the journey worthwhile. Knowing there is a home to go to. Right now all I know is that even when I feel little unsure of things and unbalanced I do find center sooner than I used to and there are very little tears to get there. This is a good thing.

The first steps are always the hardest. There is nothing that can be done about that.  You’re unsure, afraid of falling, afraid of getting hurt, but when you walk as slow as I am right now, the chance of tripping is less.

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