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Rules, Care and Feeding Instructions

September 18, 2009

a toast:

To the love I have in my heart.
If we were but only for a second, my love for you is eternal.
If we are but not the way you wish it to be, my love is still here for you.
If we will be, but have not yet connected my love will be waiting. ”
To those who were in my life, are in my life, or will be in my life:  know that my love does not come easily and can not be killed. change as our relationships may I will always care and always worry and always wish the best most wonderful things for you… we may not last, we may not make it, the definition of WE may change and morph in ways we don’t want… but in the end once I love you.  It will always be.

-shared to me by Skully

So as life gets more and more interesting for me with the introduction of new people as friends and play partners and potential lovers I feel I need to explain how the core of Luna works.  The “Toast” really clicked for me that how I view things might not be understood. Negotiations are abound and frankly I am finding that I am putting myself out there more than I usually do and alot of people don’t know how to take me.  I’ve written a little about this in the past and frankly feel that it’s time to fill a few people in on how I work.

1. ‘The boy comes first’– Now some clarification. “The boy” is a term of affection for my BF. He is not my slave, my submissive or anything like that. He is my primary and the one who is my zen and rock. The one I live with and the one I go home to. He is the one that will always come first.

2. ‘I can be very OCD with people’– New people are like shiny objects in my life. They get ALOT of attention. That might throw some and make others uncomfortable because they might feel like I am putting too much focus on them too fast.  Raising the bar to a point where they don’t feel like they will live up to any sort of expectation I might have.  It’s really that I just want to get to know as much about the person as possible. I never mean for it to come off as clingy but it sometimes tends to.

3. ‘I am more introverted than people realize’– When people see me at an event or anything like that they see the person who is happy to be in the environment she is in. I usually have a safety net of people who I can count on when I’m there and therefore can let myself be myself, but sometimes the environments can be too much for me. I start to crash or feel very lost, alone  or overwhelmed in the space I am in. I either get very quiet or I just sit back and watch or in extreme cases leave the space. Needed time to collect myself.

4. ‘it’s not about the quick fix’– I don’t do quick fix scenes or connections. I have never been the fan of the pick up scene. If I ask you to play which is about as rare as the planets aligning it means I feel something there and I want to explore it.  I also do not like being a “Now serving #…” player. It just makes me feel like the scene meant nothing to you and I was the only one who was feeling the scene. I play only with people who I feel connection to so please understand that you need to get to know me some before I am willing to say yes to anything and also if I am approaching you understand that I never do that and it is with a lump in my throat I’m asking.

5. ‘I fear rejection’- It’s why I never really approach people easily. Be it what ever circle I am in. Be it kink, dance, goth, my boy’s friends.  I fear not being accepted and if I so much as feel a slight inkling of it I will spiral down and it takes a while for me to get out of it.

6. ‘Once you are in….that’s it’- be it a small interlude or years. If I give you a part of myself and my heart you are there in my heart….always.  Even the ones that left me broken and uncertain I would feel again I still care for. This throws alot of people. Especially the ones that come after me. They think that I should not be as devoted anymore, but I still am. I can’t just cut out an emotion.  So understand that it will be there. Always be there.

7. ‘Don’t always expect Perky’- The Luna at events is not always the Luna every day. Do not expect me to be perky every day. Do not expect me to be a “little” at every event. My kinks are not the only things that define me. The styles of dance I like are not the only kinds of dance I like. I would hate going to meetings and having a room full of people expecting me to be all bouncy and giddy because that was the Luna they knew. I have bad days. I have bad weeks. I have days where I do not see the point of it all anymore and I am simply there to try to find some focus again.  I do have other emotions.

8. ‘Self Esteem is Not Easy’- Helping others is how I help myself. I have had years of people telling me I was not good enough that finding the strength to see it for myself is a long journey for me. Some of you see me as beautiful, pretty, smart, etc but it is not exactly something I have an easy time seeing for myself. Please be patient as I tend to be very stubborn about this.


One Comment leave one →
  1. Jen permalink
    September 19, 2009 8:43 am

    OK-who told you to chronicle my brain? You are right sister…we are definitely cut from the same cloth. I am so proud of you for putting this on paper (so to speak).


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