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The Next Step

September 14, 2009
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With the 3 week insanity of August into September over I am now looking at the knowledge I gained, the pros and the cons and where to go from here. I have 2 weeks off before insanity ensues with the coming events in October.

The issues currently is my inability to reinsert myself back into the normal world. My brain is a jumble of scene ideas, things I want to learn, things I want to teach, wanting to focus on just dance and kink and to hell with the 9-5 bullshit of job and chores and bills and…..yeah. This is what happens when an OCD personality gets a hold of the things that excite her. She just wants that and nothing else. So here is my life and I am having a serious case of Peter Pan syndrome mixed with Office Space.  I just want to focus on this and working on building my business, but it is all swirling around me like a tornado dust cloud while I dance this dervish I’ve started.

Right now I have:

  • 4 events I have submissions in for
  • A book concept in the works that I need to talk to a certain someone about.
  • To get back to serious dance practice or else the next two classes I’m building won’t mean squat.
  • A new client on the horizon and a possible loss of one that I am trying to fight.
  • 3 new dance concepts in my head and I don’t know if any of them can actually be accomplished physically.
  • 3 new classes to build
  • A calendar for 2010 that looks exciting and frightening all at the same time.

Then there is just the usual fixing the inside of me. What is screwing with me right now is that what I see vs. what is real is two different things.  I can feel really awesome about how I look and then I see the pics and I lose it in a fit of tears. Now I know to some of you size doesn’t matter and I can think of a few of you who will say it to my face with a list of reasons why you think I am (pretty, sexy, beautiful, etc), but frankly? The kind of work performance wise I want to do requires me to be smaller. Not just dance, but rope performance, possible solo suspension and I am dreaming of learning aerials.  I’m not saying I want to be a size 6. I’m saying I want to be smaller and stronger. It’s easier to pull up say 170 that what I am at now. So much work to do. Need to get started ASAP or the gremlin will take hold and I’ll never get me back.

Right now the big question is where to focus.  After Philly LPN on Nov 7, I only have one more event for the year and then nothing til February which means I have 3 months to just focus on me and nothing else. Might sound selfish to some but to be honest I need to do it now and again and frankly? When I give so much to people I need to start giving a little to me as well.  It’s something I am slowly trying to teach myself this and need constant reminders in it.

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