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Who am I? Revelations at M/s Conference

September 10, 2009

This past weekend found me at the M/s Conference in Washington DC. I haven’t been to the event in a few years but managed to get on the bootblacks list for the event. Being the only “femme” bootblack on the list I was pretty excited about it.

There were 3 reasons I was there; to bootblack, to hear Laura Antoniou’s Speech/Rant and to serve Jo Arnone for the weekend.  Now if you don’t know who Jo Arnone is and you are in the scene I feel you have missed a part of your history. One of the founding members of LSM (Lesbian Sex Mafia) Jo’s sole purpose in the scene these days is to do auctions for charities. She has been the Auctioneer for Leather Pride Night since it’s creation (25+ years)  and is the announcer for DC and NYC Pride Marches. I have worked with her for 4 years as her assistant for LPN and when the opportunity came up for me to help at M/s Con I asked for the job. Her and I worked out that I would be serving for the weekend. I was honored.

My schedule was simple. No strict schedules or demands. She’s a rather simple person to work with. All she expects is respect. My job was to be there for her each evening for the auctions and my days were free for me to attend classes if I wanted and for my bootblacking schedule.  I wasn’t really planning on attending that many classes.  To be honest alot of what the M/s Con is for I don’t feel like I am a part of it anymore.  I have not been owned in 5 years. Sure I have had collars but they were either play collars or they didn’t have any D/s meaning.  Some days I am good with that. Other times no.

Attending Laura Antoniou’s class on “Training: Who’s kidding who?” I finally found the peace and release I needed to find in reference to a recent attempt at training. I felt like I could finally release myself from it all.  The only other “class” I went to was slave circle with Mama Vi Johnson.  A walking peace of history she encourages submissives and slaves to talk about their joys and their pains. A safe haven to get it all out. While listening to people I started crying. Not out of sadness. Not out of loneliness. Out of anger. I held it to me til after circle because frankly what I was thinking was probably something that would have gotten me drawn and quartered in that room.

I told Mama Vi I wanted some time to speak with her and explained the feelings I had in the circle. She pulled me to a quiet corner to talk immediately because “no child is going to feel like that in my circle.”  Everything stemmed from a conversation I had with Jo late Friday night. Jo said to me, “You’re not a submissive.  You are a damn good assistant, you know what needs to be done and when, but you are not a submissive.  You don’t have the disposition of a submissive.”  Now normally I would have taken this as an insult to my character but instead I found myself thinking on it and my journey so far. A 16 year journey in the making.  I made some amazing revelations that I had to pass on to Mama Vi.

I was angry at what I was hearing. “I’m not doing 24/7 therefor I am not doing this right, been with my Sir for 7 years and the sex isn’t hot anymore I must be doing something wrong, I’m not living with my Sir why doesn’t he want me, I’m not collared anymore my life has no meaning,” So on and so forth. Every word like some whip-lash pissing me off.  6 years ago I was one of those crying women and today I found myself being angry. As someone who has been uncollared for 5 years I have found that my need to serve is not guided by if I have a relationship.  I wasn’t owned by Jo, I wasn’t owned by Sir Stephen and I wasn’t owned by Mr. McGeorge, but when they needed me I SERVED.  It was like a moment of clarity. A moment of clarity that Mama Vi saw as clearly as I did at that moment. She said I was further down the path than some. She had me look in a mirror and said, “you know that person in that mirror better than anyone.”

It made a huge difference to me. A realization of what was frustrating me so much about the D/s side of things was that I was trying so hard to fit into the boxes that was being given to me. The expectation that only 24/7, full-time, live in Master/slave relationships was the only option.  I have come to a point where serving those that want me is the best feeling in the world.   That I am not trying to find that supposed “holy grail” anymore.  That when I have the opportunity to serve someone for say an event or a weekend visit it is fulfilling. That going to an event solo and uncollared is not a terrible thing anymore. I have found a sort of peace with myself and considering how bumpy the road has been over the last 5 years it’s nice to be smooth paved road right now.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 10, 2009 8:32 pm

    It sounds like you got some stuff you’ve needed for quite a while. I’m really pleased to hear that.

    Laura

    • Miss Luna permalink*
      September 10, 2009 9:01 pm

      Be you believe it or not but you did help me with that. Your class was pivotal for me. Thank you.

      -Luna

  2. JerseyJenny permalink
    September 13, 2009 8:03 pm

    Luna,

    YAY! I am so proud for the journey you have taken and the progress you have made. HUG!

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