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The Gremlin

September 10, 2009
The Voices in My Head

The Voices in My Head

So when things get out of control “The Gremlin” in my brain starts to talk. It’s not a pretty thing. When I say gremlin I mean gremlin. Like out of the movies but with a different voice….and bigger. The bigger he his the louder the voice.  The last couple of days the voice has been VERY loud and not very pretty. I know and I’m not writing this for sympathy or anything like that. I’m writing it for me so that I can face what is inside because sometimes letting it out is the only way we can deal with it and face it:

******************

In Gremlin’s Voice:

“Have you seen those pictures that you got from SPANK? LOL!!! Look at yourself! Dressing like your thin when you so are not. You felt confident like that? I mean look at those shots of you in rope! No wonder some people are avoiding you!  Who would want to play with a slug like that? And what happened to your dancing? You haven’t been to class in over a month! All your excuses of work, and time, and ‘preparing’ for your classes. What a joke! You stopped going because you know it’s just not going to happen.  This isn’t you….you were the stick in ballet class when you were 5! That’s why your mom pulled you out of class back then!

Come on who are you fooling? You’re 36 trying to keep doing things you used to do when you were in your 20s and 40lbs lighter. Give it up! Stop acting like a kid. You’ll never be a decent bondage receiver because they have to modify everything to fit your large size. Look at what happened with your first bondage at SPANK? How many times did they have to rework things? You saw the frustration. Oh sure they were saying calming things but you felt it. You felt the annoyance of having to redo entire sections and then it hit you….You have no one to do this for you when you leave. No one has done that for you since when? Uh huh you know how long it’s been. You had purple hair then and the 21st century was just starting not hitting the end of its first decade.

And dance wise? You performed in March and haven’t recovered since. Oh sure alot of ‘great ideas’ but where are they now? What has been done? What have you created since? NOTHING!  Ideas don’t mean shit unless you do something with them. A whole room to focus on your dance and what have you done with it? A place to store shit. You haven’t sweated or stretched in there in months! What the fuck are you doing?  Where did you actually think this was going to go? Professional?! LOL Asharah, Tempest and Suhaila you are NOT! Quit fooling yourself, go back in your hole and stop trying to be something you’re not. ”

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Yeah…..shoot me.

It’s been a rough month.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. September 10, 2009 11:17 pm

    Wow. Your gremlin and mine should get together and FUCK OFF!

    *hug*

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