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Energy Connections

August 29, 2009

For me energy connection is essential. Be it how comfortable a space makes me, friends, chosen family, lovers, my dance pieces orhow I play.  The energy I get from doing things, being in the space, being with certain people is something that ebbs and flows for me. How the Twisted Tea Bazaar can make me feel at ease and at peace, how certain music can just move me to dance to express my feelings be it pure joy or anger. The connection between myself and a play partner during a scene. It  flows in and out; give and take. The more and more I walk this path of my chosen life I find that I do what I do for the connections that I experience and forge.

While at Floating World I will admit I found the event lacking in that very thing. I felt no real energy or connection in the dungeon. It was more about “hey lets play! OKAY! *WHACK* Ciao!” Now I know that has it’s place but to have an entire dungeon; a 5000 sq ft space devoid on any real energy threw me off. I left the event feeling great about my classes but felt nothing when it came to the play.

Coming to SPANK was a huge leap for me. It is away from any real aspect of home, I wouldn’t really know alot of the people at the event and I came here not knowing if I would play.  By the end of Thursday night I had experienced more energy exchange from people I met for the first time. This is something very rare for me. Maybe because I was in my element of bootblacking I was able to really let myself go and be me.  I took two bootblacking cherries in a row. Doing one man’s boots while his girl was my bootstand and then her boots while he held her and did sweet nasty things to her. I helped of course and the energy that moved between the three of us was intense and energizing.  She was in tears…happy ones and he was amazed at what transpired. It wore me out. I should have called it a night, but when a “ghost” finds you in the middle of the night it’s hard to say no. When he makes you his sacrifice and starts pulling out your  vital organs it’s hard to say no.  So I didn’t. I accepted my my fate and endured. Became the meat he needed to feed from. It reduced me to a primal sexual energy which was something I haven’t tapped into in what felt like forever. I was floating and drained and made sleep something easy to find.

Friday was an energy that is difficult. I am an empath.  I can feel people’s energies and it is why when people’s energies fluctuate and go from positive to negative I start to become unhinged. I spent most of the afternoon on the verge of tears. Feeling left out and rather alone.  It’s the real bane of being solo at events. Sure I have friends and sure I have lovers but in the end I still am alone.  My snark and jokes my armor. Now I did get to do something I haven’t done in years. Did a full suspension.  I should have told them I only could handle the floating. The constant spinning was almost too much and in the end I couldn’t stop crying. my chest in pain in more ways than one. Bondage is one of those constant internal experiences. The outside world no longer exists and all that is there is yourself and you feelings and thoughts. The tears kept coming. Feeling lost, remembering people, my thoughts went to Pappa, Mr. McGeorge, even Mr. J who even after all these years. My one and only Master, the one who made me fly so many years ago came rushing back to me. All I can say was that it was as if my heart chakra opened up again and would not close. It was too much. My brain and heart hurt. Something is trying to come out and there is a part of me that is afraid to let it. Maybe I can find a way today to let it out. To find my block and let it go. The problem is I’m scared and don’t know if I can really handle it.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Jen permalink
    August 30, 2009 12:20 am

    Trust the people that you are with. Let yourself feel it so you can accept it. It is the bile that builds inside of you that you don’t release blocks you from moving forward. I have been through that myself.

    Feel it sweetie. Know we love you and will be here to catch you.

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